This is a personal post. Topic: eating disorders. That alone might scare you away, but whatever, I’m in the mood to vent about my own experience. If you’ve been following me long enough, you probably know that it’s been something I’ve been struggling with for over five years now. Obviously your weight or how you look isn’t the most important thing to be worried about in your life, but it’s something that’s on my mind, or at least in the back of my mind, about 99% of the day. I still can’t help that. Everything started right around when I began eighth grade. Since it’s been so long, I can’t really say anymore why it happened, or what prompted me to do this to myself. I think it’s just a combination of little things. Feeling insecure, uncomfortable with yourself, jealous of your peers, etc. I mean, I don’t have a horrible home life and I didn’t have something else happening in my life that made me self destructive or what have you. It just happened one day. Right now I’m at a point in my life where I’m just that sad little thirteen-year-old again, self-conscious and unhappy with myself in general. This time last year I was about 105 pounds soaking wet. Now I’m about 130 pounds, maybe even more than that. Some of you might say well, 130 really isn’t that much, or some of you might say wow, shit, you gained a lot of weight. No matter what you have to say about the matter, it bothers me. I mean, I’m currently in outpatient treatment, so I know that these thoughts are ‘irrational’ or whatever adjective you’d like to place on them. But still. It kills me to hop on the scale when I visit my counselor every week and know that I’m never going to see that 105 again, at least on her watch. 105 pounds is well underweight for someone my height, I know this. The normal range for a woman who is 5’5” is usually somewhere between 120-140 give or take a few pounds. Even when I was at that weight I still felt that uncomfortable, so I feel even worse now. I’ve made a lot of progress since I’ve been in treatment, but I think there are some things you can never resolve in your mind. This year I was really lazy, and I think that’s the main reason why I gained all of this weight. Now I’m angry with myself for wasting a whole year. The point of this post wasn’t to complain, pity myself, or anything like that. It’s just that today in particular I thought a lot about this and how I’ve been feeling lately. So there you have it.
also, i'm really sorry about your friend. i tried not to say it because i know how little it helps but if you ever need to vent or something you can always write in my ask or something. also i am pleased to see that you missed me too haha. <3
hi, Grace. Just saw your last question / response thing, and I wanted to say I'm so sorry. I'm always here to talk to if you need, I've just tried to stay out of your hair lately. You're very strong and wonderful and you'll get through this just fine. If I can do something, let me know. You have my number / other things. c:
Thanks :) I’ve been really bad about responding to things/texts/calls lately. I think when I’m upset or things are not going well, I naturally just separate myself from people, which probably doesn’t help. But again, thank you.
No posts from you lately :\ How are you? Been busy having fun, I'm guessing.
I’ve been busy, but not necessarily having very much fun :/ Things have been not so great lately. My friend died in a car accident last week, so that hit me pretty hard. I had to cancel therapy/counseling last week because of the funeral, so I haven’t been able to see my counselor in about three weeks. I found out on Wednesday that I’m on academic probation because of my grades this year, and we’re losing a lot of the money I would’ve been able to get through loans if I had kept my grades up. Basically, my GPA was .1 away from getting financial aid and not being on academic probation. Because you know I wasn’t fighting with my parents enough already about next year, this just had to happen. The process of moving back home has been less than great. Hhhhhhh. I don’t want to complain, it just seems like bad things keep happening, one right after the other.
You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.
Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can’t be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy - be it only for a short time.
Although you are, deep down, a very caring person, you are very particular in the choice of friends and indeed very demanding at times. You can be most quarrelsome and controversial and it is because of this argumentative trait you can at times explode into open conflict - conflict with even those you may care for and love. It is because of this inherent argumentative streak in you that may have resulted in broken hopes and dreams.
You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people’s enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defenses in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.
You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.
15. Favorite movie franchise. 16. Favorite movie based on a true story. 17. Favorite movie of 2010 thus far. 18. Favorite animated movie. 19. Favorite movie based on a comic. 20. Favorite holiday movie 21. A guilty pleasure movie
Day 15 - Favorite movie franchise
EASILY the Batman franchise. And Batman Returns is definitely my favorite.
Batman Returns, 1992 - Directed by Tim Burton
Day 16 - Favorite movie based on a true story
Girl, Interrupted, 1999 - Directed by James Mangold
Day 17 - Favorite movie of 2010 thus far
Kick-Ass, 2010 - Directed by Matthew Vaughn
Day 18 - Favorite animated movie
101 Dalmatians, 1961 -Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Hamilton Luske, and Wolfgang Reitherman
Day 19 - Favorite movie based on a comic
Day 20 - Favorite holiday movie
Christmas Vacation, 1989 - Directed by Jeremiah S. Chechik
Day 21 - A guilty pleasure movie
The Covenant, 2006 - Directed by Renny Harlin
This movie is such a joke, but I can’t help myself. I love it so much.
So my dad has been pissed off at me all day. It’s not just like I’m assuming he is, he is being noticeably pissed off. And for such a stupid reason. So this morning, my mom and I were watching the news, and my dad came into the room and sat down. The anchors were saying something about 12 people in China dying in a really bad flood sometime in the last few days. My dad said something like, “Well, there’s a million more where that came from,” to which I replied, “That was a really horrible thing to say.” And then he stormed off and my mom grilled me for supposedly ‘giving my dad attitude.’ What the fuck? I’m not twelve, I’m almost nineteen, I feel like by now I should be able to express my opinion without it being misconstrued as ‘giving attitude.’ Hhhhhhh. This was a pointless post.